Absence Dad

Dad,

My entire life I’ve looked for you in the men I’ve loved, in the men I’ve trusted to protect and love me.

I became so consumed by not allowing your absence to affect my relationship, but it followed me. I couldn’t stay away from men like you. It always felt like I was drowning in madness, anger, jealousy, insecurity, in hopelessness.

You have taught me to love with conditions. I can only give if they give.

You have taught me to never take bullshit from men. I have developed a strong mindset around breaking my expectations.

You have taught me to always put myself first. While this is a valuable lesson, the world isn’t just about me. I have a purpose that’s much bigger than me.

You have taught me to make people longed for my presence. That absence was so much better.

I think of you and all the valuable lessons your absence has taught me, but the truth is I needed you.

I needed your love. I needed your presence. I needed your protection. I needed an understanding of family. I needed your smile, your hands for a hug after my first breakup. I needed your life lessons, your mistakes. I needed you to show me that all men don’t bring pain. That they don’t leave.

But today, I’m just craving for your existence, craving for your love.

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