Artwork by artist Hieu—better known as Kelogsloops
This time of night always keep me up. I am always wondering and thinking, thinking about tomorrow, next year, 5 years from now. The one thing that I always find myself thinking about last is…love.
Love seem to consume my mind these days and I cannot stop thinking about it.
I fight so hard daily to stripe my mind of society’s views and standards of love. According to society, I’ll probably be lucky if I do find love. You know what they say about women from broken homes?
I’ve fought so hard, in isolation, to forgive myself, discover myself, and fall in love with myself. Because I believe self love is the foundation. But…I want love from a man that sees the world in me.
My blogger sister and I have these conversations on a weekly basis. We are always talking about the kind of man we want, the kind of love we want to experience, and the kind of love we hope to flourish someday. Most of them are very grounded in when the time is right, it will happen and some of us don’t believe in perfect timing. Some of us see how selfish our generation have become especially with love. We seem to stay far away from it as long as we can. My sisters would even bring up age but I for one don’t believe in the age criteria to fall in love and experience life with a partner. Someone can fall in love at age 20 and even age 45. I do believe there is a level of wisdom that will be different though. These conversations never transition into what kind of wedding we want, engagement ring, etc. This is how I know that we have grown, that I have grown to understand that love is more than a wedding and there’s work to do before and after the wedding.
So am I truly ready for love?
the kind of love that asks me to extend forgiveness and grace without judgement
the kind of love that asks me to nurture my own AND someone’s else spiritual growth.
the kind of love that sees potential and extend support to help someone grow into their potential
the kind of love that requires honesty with self and someone else
the kind of love that requires listening, rather than always responding
the kind of love that builds someone up rather than tear them down
the kind of love that you must choose everyday even through difficult times
the kind of love that loves someone’s light and dark
the kind of love that takes constant reflection and practice
the kind of love that expect all of me…..
And then I remember that…
I have fought hard to give myself the kind of love I hope to receive for others.
I have fought so hard to grow into the woman I am today.
I have fought to affirm myself through honesty.
I have fought to get to a place of gratification for isolation.
I have fought hard to love me and I can’t let someone take that away from me.
I have fought so hard to forgive others for the hurt and pain they have caused.
And I am still afraid…
afraid to lose myself when I love someone else
afraid that my abandonment issues will push him away
afraid that I won’t know how to love him in the light and dark
afraid that it won’t work and I’ll have to start the journey over
afraid that he won’t be what I need
afraid that I will be confrontational instead of communicative
afraid that my vulnerability will scare him away
So am I ready?
Am I ready to truly love someone else when I haven’t learned how to love others without losing myself?
There’s more work to do within and…
God, thank you for not sending him yet.
Because you know I will destroy the love I need because of my fear and insecurities.